Bathroom etiquette

Yes, it should be said that contemplating the boogers on the wall above the urinal in my office bathroom is creepy. Yes, it should be pointed out that if I’m contemplating boogers there are probably larger, more compelling issues that I’m missing. Finally, it should be pointed out that if I were a good Corporate Drone, I would be thinking of random corporate things while de-coffeeing myself, but then I wouldn’t be who I am so I find that I have some things to say – mostly things to ask – about boogers on the wall.

So much to think about regarding public bathrooms! Boogers on the wall seem to span all classes of men’s rooms from high-rise office buildings, to the bathroom/storage room at the back of a Starbucks, to inner city restaurants. I’ve spent considerable time in all of these men’s rooms and more. Wait…that sounds creepy. Many mango seasons ago, I was an electric meter reader and spent my work day walking around the city of Miami. So when you gotta go, you’re reliant on the goodwill of whoever’s meter you’re reading (or an unlocked door in an office bathroom). Get it? I don’t lurk around men’s rooms (or if I did, it would be a totally different post).

Boogers on the wall….just a guy thing? Is there a female equivalent? There aren’t urinals, so are boogers wiped on the stall wall? Do girls pick their noses like guys do? Right now there are girls out there thinking that only dirty disgusting guys pick their noses…guess what gals…it’s all guys. If girls don’t wipe boogers on the wall, what’s their dirty little secret in public bathrooms, where they don’t have to clean? (Don’t go to that gutter place)

Which brings me to pee shyness. This is SO a guy thing that I wonder if it’s also a girl thing? I see guys…gentlemen, you also see them (maybe you are them)…who are compelled to wait extra long for a stall to open when there’s a line just to combat their pee shyness. We all know when we see these guys that they’re pee shy, I want someday for someone just to name one stall “Pee-Shy” so we can just acknowledge what’s apparent. Do Europeans get pee-shy? I haven’t seen, but have heard that bathrooms in Europe and Asia are much less plush than in America, so one could make the assumption that those bathroom users are way past pee-shyness. Where does pee shyness come from? Do we think some other man will look at our pee-pee? Do we fear that we’re the only one who pees, despite hearing it in the urinal next to us? The most important question, gentlemen, if you step up the the urinal thinking about pee-shyness, does that ensure that you will be totally unable to pee? Is it just me? Damn.

Finally, as if this wasn’t enough, is farting in a public bathroom acceptable? I’m assuming everyone knows that buildup of gas is no indication of evil, so is pretty much normal. Farting in the stall, is that OK? Farting while standing at the sink washing your hands? Girls…do ya’ll fart audibly in public bathrooms? Do big girls (and boys) fart louder than the skinnies? Yeah, it’s creepy and offensive to ask, but you know you want to know the answer. OK, weigh in.


One Response to “Bathroom etiquette”

  1. Clobbersaurus says:

    One of my favorite YouTube films that addresses some of these very questions. Does that scare you?

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